Sugar Sweet Scuffle
by Exia
Summary: Before ME3 shattered all our hopes and dreams, there was this. Thane, Shepard, and Kaiden. On the Normandy, together. Taking on the Reapers with LI's old and new!


Author's Note: This story is written for, and dedicated to, my dear friend Kalenel. It was born out of a conversation the two of us had, and despite my best efforts in getting her to write it, somehow I found myself doing the writing instead. Here, Kaylee. This one's for you. Enjoy!

ooOO00OOoo

Shepard input their next destination into the galaxy map. Flying away from the Earth as the Reapers ravaged it was by far the hardest thing she'd done. She'd been on her way to court to answer for her actions in destroying the mass relay and sacrificing all those batarian lives.

Kaidan had saved her, breaking both the crew and the Normandy free of lock down to swoop in to the rescue. He'd been entirely too smug about the whole thing in the weeks he'd been on board, and it was grating on her nerves.

Stepping down from the map, Shepard turned towards Mordin's tech lab. Breezing through the lab with a wave of her hand to the hard-working salarian, Shepard exited through the side door that lead to the elevator. She was going down to the crew deck to get some food.

"Commander?" Joker's voice came over the intercom.

"Yes, Joker?"

"Perhaps you should head to the mess. Thane and Alenko are having a…discussion."

Shepard frowned. Joker was a little too gleeful about the news. "What's going on?" She asked suspiciously.

"I think this is one of those 'see it to believe it' moments, Commander." Joker replied.

"I see," Shepard said, stepping onto the elevators and hitting the button for the crew deck. She was going there anyway.

"Take pictures!" She heard Joker call right before the doors slid shut. Why did he always want pictures?

She was greeted by the sounds of cheering when the elevator doors opened, and she turned the corner into the mess cautiously.

A press of bodies crowded around the blank space beside the small kitchen island, and Shepard could see a betting board hovering in midair over engineer Donnelly's omni-tool. The odds were three to one against Kaidan. But a wet smack and a collective groan later, and they evened out to fifty/fifty.

The hum of biotics inside the enclosed space made Shepard's molars ache, scraping along her nerves. Gritting her teeth, she began pushing to the front, the crewmen falling back willingly when they saw exactly _who_ it was forcing her way between them.

She made it to the front and opened her mouth, prepared to flay all and sundry for participating in fisticuffs. What she saw made her close her mouth and reconsider her options. Off to the left, the odds changed again.

In the three weeks Kaidan had been on board the Normandy, he tried to integrate himself into the crew. A generally easy going and non judgmental man, he shouldn't have had any issues fitting in, especially given that he already helped her defeat a Reaper.

But _someone_ – her bet was on Joker – told the crew all about the nice, understanding things he said to her on Horizon, and he was encountering unanticipated resistance. None of the crew wanted anything to do with The Man Who Jilted Shepard.

Or, as Jack put it, "Don't fuck'n try to play nice, I'll just rip you in half."

The look on Kaidan's face when the tiny half-dressed woman snarled at him had been priceless, topped only by how it looked when Garrus took two steps backwards, said, "Have at it, just leave me out," then beat a hasty retreat. The newly promoted Colonel Alenko didn't seem to know how to handle Jack – few people did – and his title was no help at all in clearing his way.

He was a higher rank than Shepard now, for all her pro forma title of Spectre, and didn't that rankle. She saved the galaxy twice from imminent invasion, and _he_ was the one to go up two ranks.

In order to help diffuse some of the tensions created by the Reaper attacks – and Kaidan's unfortunate addition to the crew – Gardner hit upon an idea he called 'Junkyard Dinner', a play off his alternate professions, no doubt.

Poor name choice aside, the meal itself was inspired. He gathered together the most popular dessert dishes amongst the various peoples of the crew and served them up as the main – and only – course.

There was seasoned_ juka_ meat and fresh _sytan_ juice for Grunt, _kaflah_ bread stuffed with tender snips of _tesar_ for Tali, and ground _mekah_ for Garrus. Gardner had even somehow managed to get a hold of dried _bruka_ for Thane. All the various non-human species declared Gardner's desserts to be good choices and of stunningly high quality. He'd been preparing for a week, and was very proud of himself.

But his crowning achievement, by overwhelming majority, was the ice cream bar for the humans. The flavors were the standard flash-frozen chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Unwilling to leave it there, Gardner scrounged around and somehow managed to acquire some of the traditional toppings. There were sprinkles and crushed candies, and frozen fruit.

And chocolate.

Beyond all expectations, Gardner had gotten his hands on some real honest-to-goodness chocolate. When she heard, Shepard's mouth began to water. Imagine. Real chocolate in space.

Dinner had only begun a few minutes ago, she'd not gotten the chance to grab herself a bowl of ice cream and slather it in the heavenly concoction. Instead, she was standing at the edge of a fight between her former lover and her present one. She sincerely hoped they weren't fighting over her.

For their sakes.

A hum of biotics vibrated through her skull and brought Shepard back to the present. From the look of things, Alenko had waylaid Thane at the buffet table where the food had been set up and started an argument. Empty trays of food and various edibles lay scattered about the room. Some of the onlookers were splattered, but seemed unconcerned.

Shepard saw Dr. Chakwas leaning against the glass of the med-bay, her arms folded across her chest and a frown on her face. Grunt was across the room with Jack, obviously cheering Thane on, and Garrus and Tali were seated comfortably on the stairs to the main battery sharing a bowl of…. something.

Shepard blinked and returned her attention to the fight. Alenko was hovering a tray with his biotics, his handsome face twisted in a sneer. A twitch of his fingers, and it went sailing for Thane's head. Though he could have easily dodged the projectile, Thane chose instead to wrest control of it from the human and send it back the way it came, accompanied by a growl.

Kaidan yelped and dove for the floor, his hands slipping on the slick, food covered tiles, sending him crashing into a prone position, winded.

Seeing an advantage, Thane advanced on Kaidan, his strides long and powerful. Much as she wanted to watch her lover kick Kaidan's ass, Shepard knew that it was time to step in. Moving quickly, she placed herself between the grounded form of her old LT where he laid panting, and the irate one of the advancing drell. She didn't speak, merely pinned Thane with her eyes. He slowed, then came to a stop; his eyes flashing fire, but his body calm.

Hearing movement behind her, Shepard spun quickly to catch Kaidan coming to his feet, his hand raised in a mnemonic gesture she'd seen hundreds of times. One of her hands lashed out and she clamped his hand to his side with a powerful grip.

"Stop. Now." She growled into the sudden silence.

Kaidan's arm ceased its struggles, but his eyes flashed insubordination.

Satisfied that the fight was over – for the moment – Shepard turned her attention to the gathered crew. "The show is over. Find somewhere else to skulk." It was amazing how quickly the room could clear.

By the time it was empty, Shepard turned to find the to men standing side-by-side, both looking distinctly hang dog for standing at attention. The corners of her lips twitched as she took in their food splattered forms.

Liquefying ice cream covered both of them in large patches, and Kaidan had a nasty mix of strawberry ice cream, chopped nuts, and frozen fruit congealing in his hair. The left side of his face and the whole left side of his body were stained a light pink from the strawberry ice cream, and his right eye was just beginning to turn black. It would probably be swollen closed before the night was over.

Thane however, was almost completely coated in melted chocolate.

_Note to self: thank Gardner profusely_. Shepard thought as she eyeballed Thane. His leather jacked was smeared with chocolate ice cream, sprinkles decorated his shoulders, and – was that – yes, it was. There was a cherry impaled on one of the spikes on his head. _Thane is now my own personal sundae!_ She thought with glee.

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably, and her eyes snapped to his face, her momentary good humor completely forgotten.

"Do you have an explanation for this?" She demanded.

"Yes, ma'am." Kaidan said, standing impossibly straighter under her scrutiny.

"Well?" She snapped when no other answers were forthcoming.

"I-" Kaiden's eyes flicked over to Thane, who was staring resolutely straight ahead, "-heard about you and the drell."

"Krios." Shepard said, staring at Kaidan.

"I-what?" the human stuttered.

"His name is Krios. You don't have to like each other, but you will offer courtesy. Especially after_ this_ little spectacle." Her tone offered no room for argument.

"Yes, ma'am." Kaidan responded. "I heard that you and Krios were having relations. I confronted him about it. He refused to answer my questions."

Shepard looked at Thane, resolutely ignoring the little voice in the back of her head babbling about Thane being covered in chocolate, and wasn't that so much better than junkyard dinner? "Is this true?"

"Almost." Thane paused, and then tilted his head back slightly as he began to recite.

"_I stand over the ice cream, trying to decide what Shepard would want. The meal has barely started, but the food is already half gone. She had been so excited about the meal; it would be a shame for her to miss out. _

"_Movement. Colonel Alenko. Previous teammate and lover. His face is flushed, his breathing elevated. Something has disturbed him. _

_"I set down the bowl and turn to face him, hands folded loosely behind my back._

"'_Colonel Alenko. Do you need something?'_

"_His eyes flash, 'You are with Shepard.' A statement, not a question._

"_So, he finally knows._

"'_Well?' he demands._

"'_What do you care? You turned your back on her.'_

"'_I love her!' His breathing increases, face flushes further._

"'_Loved. Perhaps.'_

"_His left hand raises, glowing biotic blue."_

Shepard sighed and pinched her brow of her nose with the fingers of one hand. "Colonel Alenko, you may be a higher ranking officer than I used to be, but _I _am the Captain of this ship. You have no right or reason to be asking questions or making insinuations about my private life. This is not an Alliance vessel, a Council vessel, or a damned Cerberus vessel. It is _my_ vessel, and my word is law here. Kindly keep your questions and your hands to yourself and away from my lover.

"Thane, I'm disappointed in you. I know that you could have taken Kaidan down and ended the fight before it began, but you did not. Now dinner – and the mess hall – are ruined, all because you let your temper get the better of you.

"I want the both of you back here at 0600 tomorrow to clean this up. Together."

She pointed at the nasty mess that had once been Kaidan's hair. "Go wash that out before it dries that way. And _try_ to remember that we are in the middle of a fucking _war_. There are more important things to worry about than scuttlebutt. Like the _three thousand reapers_ attacking Earth." She knew she was glaring daggers at him, and didn't give a damn. She dismissed him with a negligent wave of her hand. "Get the fuck out of here."

The only word Shepard could think of to describe Kaiden's retreat was scuttling.

She returned her attention to Thane. "You." She said, crooking her finger at him. "Come with me."

He followed her silently around the corner, and raised a questioning eye ridge when she pointed at the elevator doors. When she raised an eyebrow back, he entered wordlessly. She stepped in beside him, her military bearing intact.

Until the doors closed.

Instantly she wheeled on him, her hands on his chest. She pushed him up against the wall of the elevator, her lips claiming his hungrily. His hands came up, one resting on the curve of her hip, the other threading through her short hair.

She pulled back, and he looked at her in confusion. "Siha?"

"I missed dinner, due to Kaidan's stupidity." She said conversationally, while reaching up and freeing the cherry. She popped it into her mouth and chewed with relish.

"I must apologize, Siha. I didn't mean –"

She placed a finger over his lips to silence him, a smile on her face. "You can make it up to me. You know the only thing that sounds better than chocolate covered ice cream? Chocolate covered drell."

He gave her a look of pure male satisfaction. "I happen to know where one of those is."

"Oh good, you can sate all of my hungers at once tonight."

He smiled wickedly at her and leaned down for another kiss.

Fin


End file.
